Do you fear god?

No really. If you do, I used to as well.

The idea of religion scares me. Not the fact that theres an all seeing god or being up there, I'm fine with that. It's the idea of blind faith. Questioning and Curiosity = Blasphemy and Damnation. It makes me sick. The fact that people belive that to truly have faith you must worship without question. You must fear god to be truly saved from eternal hellfire.

When I was younger I needed a reason for everything.

Why was the sky blue?

What is the moon made of?

Do cars drive themselves?

This went for my religion too. My family is christian. When I was little my mom and grandma were always telling me about god and all the great things he did. I always asked how he did it. I already knew magic wasn't real. They told me that. So how does one great being do all this stuff?

My mom and grandma didn't like when I questioned things. While my mom was a lot less harsh since I was a little kid. My grandma told me over and over that I shouldn't question god. He made everything without science. If I questioned, I'd burn in hell forever.

My dad was never like that. He was like me. I looked up to him more than anyone else in the world because he understood how I felt. He told me that the bible was only an explanation, a representation of the science that was happening behind the scenes. He was a great dad, the only way I understood anything was when he explained it.

As I got older, my faith wavered. I'd pray every day and night. I wanted proof god was real. I never got that proof.. I didn't want to not belive. I didn't want to burn forever. I was tormented by my curiosity and need for clarification.

Eventually my hope died out. I stopped beliving. It was mostly because my fear tormented my every action. When I got into my first relationship (A queer relationship) I thought I'd burn in hell for sure. I felt so guilty. I felt so ashamed. I was horrifed at my own actions. But then one day, it all just stopped. I stopped caring.

To this day I can't remember what my younger self was thinking one night. But one day my fear of god just... Ended.

If I went to hell so be it. I'll burn forever because of a religion that was shoved down my throat so hard I puked it all up.

I go to church every sunday. Not because I want to. But because my mom makes me. She thinks I still belive. I don't know what she'll do if I say I don't belive yet. I'm waiting until I'm over 18 and at least out of the house to reveal everything to her.

I refuse to belive once again. I fear that I'll end up in the cycle of fearing a god and hating myself to the point of numbness.

I feel so much happier now that I'm not afraid, So much happier that I'm not ashamed, So much happier with myself as a whole.

No offence to anybody who proudly and happily practices religion, It just wasn't for me. And that's okay.